Drama Queen

Spiderwort is an herbaceous perennial with medicinal properties. One of my favorites that bloom on my parent’s land.  

I remember a time in my life when it was so chaotic that I did not know up from down. Feelings were all consuming. Everything that came at me felt like an emergency and I had to fix it. When I couldn’t fix it, I would reach out to friends for advice and want their help fixing the problem I couldn’t fix. I believe many refer to this as “drama”. So, yes, I could easily be referred to as “dramatic”.

In our society, that gives off a negative connotation. You may hear “drama free zone” or “she/he is overly dramatic”. I believe I have even said “I cannot deal with the drama today!” 

What is drama? I view drama differently now versus before I truly understood the Lord (and I’m still learning who He is). Before, everyone’s drama was exhausting, off putting; while my drama was like an emergency I could never fulfill. How heart wrenching! It’s embarrassing to share my selfish heart, to believe my chaos was more important than others. Evil truly does prowl around looking for someone to devour (1Peter 5:8). 

Not anymore!

How do I look at drama and the chaos that comes with it currently? It’s opportunity, an invitation. When I was at my darkest hour and believed I was being eaten up by darkness, it was then that I finally understood what it meant to die to myself. I couldn’t fix anything. My problems felt all consuming and I was drowning in...me. I was being devoured by pride. I had to let go. I had to let it ALL go; including myself, my children, my husband, my finances, my past, my future, that very moment had to just...go.

Where did it go? At this point, I’m crying and exhausted and quite literally felt as if I was going to die of a panic attack (I learn later that panic attack is a lie to keep me in bondage) and I hear, “Come and Rest”. The Lord wanted MY drama. He wanted MY chaos. He didn’t turn from MY mess. He met me when I was an ugly crying blob and He loved me. 

I was poor in spirit. I had trust issues. I was judgmental of myself, I lived by laws and not by love. In that moment, when He invited me to come, my poor spirit became rich. The opportunity of love shining down on me is still the most magnificent moment I can barely place into words!

My God wanted ME in my drama stricken, ugly crying mess. If He wants me to seek Him while in this condition, then He wants my friends to seek Him while in this condition, too. We are called to love one another (1 John 4:7). If Jesus can love this hot mess, then we can love each other’s hot messes, too! Imma right? Hallelujah!

God blessed me when I was poor in spirit and to be honest, I am often poor in spirit, but rich in His love and mercy. I put pride aside every day and sometimes multiple times a day. I have had to kneel and ugly cry many times since that first moment when He met me when I thought I would be consumed. Each time, he meets me with hand outstretched and simply says, “come”. Never does he say, “Again?! Didn’t we just do this?”. Jesus says, “come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest.” (Matthew 11:28).

When chaos calls, I do not have to answer. Instead, there is an open invitation to be still. To rest in the Lord and let myself go. I no longer live in my drama. There are times it does sneak in, but I know when I come to Him, poor in spirit that I will soon be rich in His mercy and grace.

And...so can you.

Lord-

How I praise your name for your overwhelming love! You are my anchor when I need grounded. You never criticize me for constantly needing a place to let myself go. You welcome me with open and loving arms! Hallelujah! When I’m at my worse, you are there. Wow. I pray for my heart to be filled with your light. I pray that I always recognize when pride steps in. I ask for a continued softening of my heart, my critical thoughts to disappear. Oh Lord, how I love you! Bless all whom I come into contact with today. 

Amen

 “God blesses those who are poor and realize their need for him, for the Kingdom of Heaven is theirs.”

‭‭Matthew‬ ‭5:3‬ ‭NLT‬‬

https://bible.com/bible/116/mat.5.3.NLT